Love Stories

Some love stories just have to be told! The emotions run just so deep that you feel like you will explode if you don't let it all out. Many write letters to their lost love here and their letters are heart felt and appreciated.

And there are some where a letter just won't do. So for the first time I have had to start this page for a "love story" not a "love letter".

I never had a tropical vacation but was looking forward to relaxing and enjoying mine. My husband and I had been separated for two years and my plan was to enjoy myself and think of what I wanted in my future.

My friend Judy and I flew to Paradise Island in the Bahamas in March of 1971. We were young, she at 20 and I had 27 still felt we had enough in common to enjoy our vacation together. We went to the Casino on the island and had a great time so we decided to go again the next night. I was right in the one armed bandits(slots) when she came over and told me she had met a couple of guys and wanted me to go and sit down and talk to them.

I was not totally into that cause I didn't really want to meet anybody. I hadn't really gotten rid of the last one. The big cheater he was. I went anyhow. The guys introduced themselves. Dieter was tall and blond and then I turned to see the most gorgeous guy ever, at least in my eyes. He was about 5'10" well built, dark hair and dark eyes. I'm Mike and he said his last name and added, "It's Greek"

Because I had recently met a Mike who insisted he be called Michael,I said,I assume you like to be called Michael?" "I don't" care he say. So my big mouth and closed mind I did not hear his last name and now don't have it. We chatted for a while and then we decided to go somewhere and talk and drink a bit and dance. So off in a cab we went. The driver took us to a nice spot.

The guy singing was also dancing and Judy and Mike encouraged me to go up and dance so I did. What the heck I was having fun. We talked a lot about music, our likes and dislikes. Then we left and went back to the hotel. We walked along the beach and he held my hand. Sounds romantic and it was. A guard came along and told us that there was no beach open at night and we should leave. So off to my room we went. Judy and Dieter stepped outside on the balcony and Mike and I started to kiss - a lot but nothing else happened. That was out last night there and Judy and I left to go home. I thought about him all the way home.

When I got to the airport at home, my ex was waiting for me. Apparently he took it upon himself to move me out of my apartment and go pick up my daughter from my parents and there we were in a new apartment. I told Richard we were done and over and that apartment or not he was leaving. He told me he was suffering from M.S. and that he 'needed me'. My problem is that I had always taken care of my family and was feeling obligated.

I was telling Richard that this time he had to take care of himself and the phone rang. It was Mike. We talked but I felt that my place was taking care of Richard in spite of what I had told him. Still I did not have the common sense to tell Mike and let him go without finding out his last name. I cried and cried. Two weeks later Richard was gone and I couldn't find Mike.

So here is a letter to you Mike, the Greek from New Jersey. When I was young, younger even than 27 I had my pick of any guy I wanted. I didn't want any one of them. My mom told me that someone special would come along and not to settle.

Unfortunately, I never listened and married someone because I thought I would never fall in love. He treated me so badly that every ounce of self esteem was gone. After 2 years of separation I was ready to move on feeling once again that I was my old self so to speak. Then I met you. My heart strings were singing but, old habits die hard and my old insecurities from the "Rick days" returned. It didn't help when on my return he was there telling me how useless I was, etc, etc.

I thought about how you were young and wanted to someday get married and have kids. Since we had not really known each other that long I didn't tell you that I couldn't have any more kids. Between my insecurities, your plans for your future and my inability to fulfill those dreams I let you go. Mom said that instead of waiting to see what you would say I just went ahead and broke my heart.

It's amazing how long it's been, 39 years and still my heart belongs to my Paradise Island Mike. I tried so hard to find you after talking to my mom but New Jersey is a big place and although I called Yankee Stadium they didn't seem to know who you were, or maybe just didn't want to say. In my dreams I always tried to remember your last name. I have hired two detectives and they didn't find you. I was told buy others to 'get over it'.

I put an ad in the New York Ledger and other papers. I have contacted people I thought you might know. In my heart I know you have moved on, married and had the children you wanted. I probably did you a huge favor but I still hurt over you. I dedicated a song to you Mike on a N.Y. radio station. Reconsider Me by Johnny Adams. My hopes and dreams for a happy stable marriage were shattered with Rick and it took the courage of falling for you at first sight to realize that I had the strength to walk away from him.

I wish I had done it when you called and I had walked into your arms and will until the day I die.

Carol AnneOshawa, Ontario

---------------------------------------------------------------- We met through a modeling site I joined as a model. And unknown to me, all new members names are circulated to let other members know that a new member had just joined in.

As a photographer Martin contacted me for a photo shoot. In his email he tells me that he had something in mind an oriental theme of some sort which would be great to add to his already extensive portfolio, and I have the look for what his looking for and wanted to shoot me.

After a brief communication, I agreed to work with him but need to be put it on hold as I was due to go home to China for a vacation to visit my family, and so we decided to set up for March upon my return to have the shoot. He asked me to get him some prop while I am there, like oriental parasol, amongst other oriental paraphernalia which can be use on the shoot and he’ll reimburse me with it when we meet.

That initial contact was the start of our humorous and kind a jokey emails. I can’t remember exactly what our conversation was but I end up telling him that I was half Chinese and half Filipino which he likes the sound of, and promises to be in touch while I’m in China, which I did with pictures of Beijing, the Great Wall, my moms home town of Qingdao, and last but not least me.

While I was there, I found out that my mother was terminally ill and was given less than 2 years or so to live. I emailed Martin to tell him that I won’t be back for the shoot as planed and the reason being my mother was taken ill. After telling him about how ill my mom was and what illness it was, he told me that he went through similarly with his father(which was kind a comforting) who died if I heard him correctly just a little over a year prior, and if I need someone to talk too, he is there for me.

And so our communication flowed and we we’re talking emailing each other almost every day. Although he wasn’t there with me in the flesh he was there at end of the line. And through the chaos of my mind he became my focus, my sense of calm as I watched my mom in horror go through the pain cause by chemo. Martin just seems to have the knack of how or what to say exactly to reassure me that everything is going to be alright and at the same time he lets me see and face the reality that my mom is on borrowed time.

His email became personal and had a romantic edge to it. I asked many times where he was going with the romantic gesture in his email but he never answered me and changed the subject. I asked him to tell me about himself and told me that he had 2 children age 16 and 14 and a dog which I thought was sweet. I asked many things like what made him tick, his pet hate and so forth.....and what he looked like, bear in mind that he had the advantage over me, as he knows what I look like through my modeling portfolio.

He describe himself as an old fogy with ginger hair that’s balding a little, a gentle giant of an ogre with a giant heart and came away with a description of Shrek which I find very amusing especially when he emailed me with a Shrek and Princess Fi poem or theme to it.

From then on, Shrek becomes him and I became his Princess Fi and I love his wit and sense of humor and I find him an absolute scream. And so you acquired the Shrek persona in which every email (well most) he’ll sign it or finish it off with “from Shrekky and donkey”. He asked me why with the face and body like mine I remained single? I told him I was once married but divorced my husband through infidelity when I caught him in bed with my best friend. He was rather surprised when he heard it that I didn’t think he believed me.

As weeks then months pass by, through his witty emails and Shrek persona, I realized that I was falling in love with him from the inside out and could not care less if he was an ogre or not. I didn’t care about the 18 years age gap or that you had 2 children and a dog or whatever or whether he look like Shrek, all I know is that he got me.

Unknown to me however, he was already in love with me. Still neither one of us would admit to how we feel fearing of making a fool of ourselves although I did say in one email I wrote that Princess Fi is falling for Shrek but he never catches on. Although he is not letting on how he feels toward me I suss him out but I wanted to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth.

For almost a year of emailing my question to reveal his feelings for me was never answered so I email him to say that I surrender, meaning I give up! Not on him but my questioning. And he emailed me back telling me he surrenders too. I never reply to that email as I was pre-occupied on my mom’s progressing illness which at this time had worsened. Sadly after almost a year of battling with the illness she never lived with the time scale given as she succumbs to it and died at home on November 12th 2009.

All of the family was there and was holding her hand when she passed away, and I was devastated! That day my two brothers and I, become officially orphans as both our parents are now gone. As it’s in our culture, my eldest brother Rory become the head of the family and being the youngest and the only girl I have to comply out of respect and honor of the family name. Anyways, the death of my mom got to me and I needed to get away from it all, and needed new scenery so I decided to come back to Edinburgh without telling my brothers.

Two days after arriving I thought I'd email Martin apologizing for not been in touch in months and told him that mom lost her battle but never told him that am back in UK. It was about a little after nine in the cold December morning and I was still in bed when he called. Thinking that I was still in China he was rather miffed when he didn't hear an international ring tone, but a British tone, so I told him that I wanted to wait couple of days before I informed anyone that I was back in the UK.

For some reason he was rather cross with me not telling him I was back in Edinburgh, and thought what is that all about? Not as if, we were an item beside we haven’t talked in emails for months. So we chatted briefly and arranged to meet for coffee later that week, to what I thought was to discuss the shoot.

The day for us to meet arrives and I got to our meeting point early as to scan whose coming and who’s going. I don’t know what I’m expecting perhaps because I had no idea what he looked like that I was awfully nervous. I don’t know why I was so nervous, not as if we were meeting on a date.

Right on cue there he was not what I pictured in my mind but thought he was decent and smartly dressed. His Shrek description was a little over rated, ok he had ginger hair, balding very little, and with what I call a little beer belly, but overall not bad at all. As while we sat waiting to be served he handed me a bag and inside was a perfume.

I was taken aback as it was rather odd but since it was close to Christmas I took it and said thanks. I wasn’t expecting to be handed a gift and feel guilty because I never got him anything but he didn’t mind. He handed me his work portfolio to be looked at and I quickly browsed through it and told him it was really good. I sat so rigidly nervous that I played with a plastic bag, can’t remember where I acquired it from and must have been annoying him that he grabbed it and took it away.

As we were having our coffee I saw in him something that I’ll never see in anyone else. And there and then I knew that I wanted to know this man but was so scared thinking why am I feeling like this? I’m here to talk about the photo shoot and not a romantic rendezvous. Unknown to me he feels the same way about me but said nothing. I excused myself to go and powder my nose and while I was in the ladies room I received a message from brother to call him and was he annoyed that I never told him where I went.

If I recall I think he saw my demine change, coming up the stairs where he was waiting still holding my phone but told him nothing except to say that I got to go soon as I need to call my brother, and he was rather puzzled about that. I didn’t want him to go when it was time but made another arrangement to meet up this time over lunch. It was very cold outside and so he offered to give me a lift home but I refused not because I didn’t want to but because I didn’t know him and we’ve just meet and not only that also, I was sharing an apartment with my ex sister-law and it wouldn’t go very well if I been seen being drop off with a man.

As it was a Christmas week we set a date just a little later, still in December at a service station in Stirling and will go out from there and have lunch somewhere. I couldn’t wait for that day to come and when it finally comes, I felt like a school kid again. I arrived early so I thought on our pre destined meeting place and he was already there. After a brief greeting I climbed into his car and he drove to the place where we’re we could have lunch.

And on the way as it was still early to have lunch we stopped at a tea and coffee place first for a cuppa and I was just about to open the car door to get out when he grab me on the collar of my coat and give me a long lingering kiss. It feels so good that I didn’t resist and from then on I knew I am his. For the first time in heaven knows how long I felt that it’s my happiest I’d been in a long time.

He ordered a green tea for me and a coffee or was it a latte for him and brought it up to the table. As we sat he handed me a box and inside was a lovely silver bracelet with a heart on it. I took it, put it on and give him a kiss to say how much I appreciated him doing that. We left the coffee shop and headed to where were going for our lunch. We found a place and the lunch was good and the company was good too I didn’t want the day to end.

After lunch he drove to the back of Stirling University so that we can go for a walk to work our lunch off. It was so cold outside that we decided to just stay in the car so we can talk. I am a very private person and I’m a woman of a few words and if I tell you something you need to believe it without a doubt coz what I say is the truth and nothing but. I don’t easily let anyone get into my head which I think is my downfall but he wants to know everything about me so I told him to the best of my knowledge what my background was where I came from who’s who in my family and things that wasn’t easy to talk about as it bring a rather painful memory but all in all I think I covered my family history.

We talk then kiss then talk and then kiss more and were relishing every second that I’m with him. That’s when he dropped the bombshell and told me that not only he has children and a dog which he already told me but he also got a wife. It feels as if a knife just went through my heart as you can well imagine. In a quiet voice I ask why he didn’t tell me when he had almost a year to tell me that.

His reply was “I didn’t want to lose you, and if I told you I was married I didn’t think you would talk to me at all let alone entertain my romantic innuendo you’ll probably run a mile” he said. Well that was rather understated. Calmly, I ask him to drop me back to where my car was which he kindly so. The ten minutes or so drive to get there feels like forever, he tried to explain his reasons but I was so hurt that I hardly said a word. Got back to my car and say my goodbye.

When I got home I messaged him to say thanks for the gift and the lovely lunch and told him never to contact me again and explain that I am not going to be made as an escape goat for the demised of his marriage or be responsible for the breakup of his family and I certainly would not want to be his mistress. That sort of behaviour will never be acceptable in my culture as the one who would destroy a family unit and neither being a mistress.

No way! He begged me to just listen and let him talk but I wouldn’t have any of it and told him there’s nothing to explain. For days, he chased me like a shadow and haunted me like a ghost telling me that we only got one shot in life to be happy and life’s too short to wonder what if, and whatever it takes he want to grab this opportunity to be happy and risk it all. He wasn’t getting any headway with me so he drove aimlessly, so he tells me hoping to find me. The only problem was he didn’t know where I stayed coz I never told him.

Still I refused to talk to him! Eventually his persistent paid off and I agreed to listen to what he had to say. He told me that he'd been married for twenty years or so and his marriage had not been a happy one and had deteriorated over time, more so in the last 2 years when there’s absolutely no physical contact in whatsoever. And that he’ll do whatever it takes to prove to me that he is serious about me.

Again and again I said no all the time given him my reason! But Martin was like a dog with a bone he wouldn’t let go. After weeks of being hounded by him, I had the opportunity to work with a colleague and we got posted down south in Exeter near Bristol. In my last attempt to get rid of him thinking that he’ll decline due to his family commitment as it falls on the weekend, I invited him to join me.

To my surprised he jumped and told me "you’re on". I was already down with my colleague and so he booked himself an accommodation near where I was and drove many hours just to get there. Fast forward I had the most amazing weekend with him. He got back home that Sunday and on Monday when he got home from work, he told his wife that it was over and that he’ll be leaving as soon as he got a place of his own. She went to pieces he told me and the children?

Well they weren’t really that bothered probably because they’ve been expecting that this will happen just never know when. He never told his wife or the children the reason. I was still on the road on the way back up when he did text me the news. When I asked if he told his wife when asks if there’s someone else which she did, he told her NO! Except to tell her that they have not been getting on and he wanted out. I ask him why not? He told me as in his word to protect me.

My colleague ask me if there’s anything a matter and since I was in the same car with her and I was driving, I don’t have much of a choice but to tell her. I lost my colleague and my well paid job that evening as of that moment I got label as being a marriage breaker. I didn’t know what to make of it....gutted but pressed on. I should have been happy but I wasn’t, instead I was horrified and I suddenly feel guilt ridden as to the enormity of what he'd just done hit me.

I never thought that he would actually do it or as quickly as that! I tried to persuade him to rethink and don’t do it in haste and talk to his wife, but his having none of it. It’s too late he said it’s done and his decision is final. I felt absolutely terrible for his wife and kids knowing they’ll be completely devastated.

I tried to break it off with him again but he seem to have the knack (perhaps because he was a salesman) to turn my thinking around. That knowledge however, that he hasn’t told his wife about us put the lid shut to keep my anonymity, never giving him any info to where I live or where I work and very evasive and vague in giving him anything that can potentially lead to me in fear that I’d be named and be drag in court as the other woman in his divorce or whatever should his wife find out and if this get out to my family I’m in shit creek and so I was on hell bent to keep it that way. We’ve seen each other a few more time since he break the news to his wife.

I went home to my brother in Singapore mid early Feb. (In fact it was four days before Valentine’s day coz I remember telling him I sent an e-card and he is not to open it till the Valentines day) to sort my moms estate and for the reading of the will, never giving him any contact number at my brothers since he has got my cell number and my email address and we can communicate either way.

I wasn’t looking forward to the reading of the will “just take a deep breath “he'd say “you’ll be fine” It was awfully hard being away from him as I was missing him terribly and he was too. I’ve been away for a week or so when he emailed me asking where was I exactly. I thought he knows where I am and so why was the question.

Unknown to me the previous email he sent me, he'd sent it via I ask what the hell is spypig what are his on about? Spypig he says is internet gadgetry that notifies you and tells you that your mail had been read when it’s read, what time it’s been read and the IP address of the recipient. Well he pissed me off big time I thought he mean to tell me that.

I been spied upon for what and why? He explained that it wasn’t meant to be a spying thing; he just wanted to know when I read his email (for whatever reason) to let him know because of the time different. He made such an issue about that damn IP address that I got very angry so, I ask my brother not telling him my reason and explain to me this IP thing to why our email IP address is located in Europe. My brother told me that it’s because his using a software for a proxy server.

Software of what! What does it do? He told me that proxy server software is a tool which hides your originating IP. Basically the software gives you the ability to pick any location you desire anywhere in the world and nobody is going to be the wiser of where you’re at exactly, and especially useful for protecting your identity when your surfing the net.

I didn’t understand the jargon of what it all means but told him what my brother said and explain how I believe why my IP address wasn’t where it supposed to be. I don’t know why but the IP address thing became an issue and feel that he wasn't convinced to the reason I’d given him.

As I never gave him the proof to disprove him otherwise it comes in the way he talk that I got something to hide. I thought about giving him my brother house number in Singapore number but didn’t reason being I need his permission and was afraid that my brother will find out that his little sister whom he adored meet and feel in love and is having an affair with a married man which wouldn’t go very well beside 99% of the time we weren’t even home.

Let be honest although he broke the news to his wife and children his intention to leave, however you look at it, at that point in time I was his mistress. So I challenge him to phone me on my cell phone and was absolutely flabbergasted to hear him say, cell phone is no good as I could be anywhere in Ireland. I thought wow if that’s not mistrust then I don’t know what is. He email me a long one to apologise; saying that he didn’t mean to sound mistrustful, he was just worried that after what he'd just given up (bear in mind he was still residing with his wife) it worries him that I am not what it cook up to be and reiterating that I am too good to be true.

Hurt, I reply saying, "in that case you know what you have to do you haven’t left yet so you still got the chance to fix things up with your wife". He email me that to say that he was sorry saying that and I’m the one he want and I’m the one he want to spend the rest of his 47 years of life and hope that we can move on and forget this whole IP business thing. But the IP address thing soon became the Achilles heels in our relationship as I later discovered and so onward we go.

I didn’t realise that mom state would take so long to sort out and as always, he was there to give encouragement. We talk in emails with the odd text here and there and he'd write me poem expressing how he feel about me sometime funny, sometimes very sombre. Sometimes he made it up and sometimes it was a copy and paste job which he added his bit to it and made it his own but it didn’t bothered me because I know it’s coming from his heart.

I couldn’t write as good as he was so I look on the internet for an appropriate wording for love letters or poems and when I find something appropriate to express my love for him I would add bits here and there and made it my own and send it to him. Little did I know that it’ll bite me in the bum on a later date?

I was supposedly going to Sydney to be with my other brother Roger and since I already seen him as we were all together for the reading of the well I decided not to go. I was missing the hell out of him so I told my brothers that I am going back to Edinburgh. Prior to going to Singapore with an intention to stay

I terminated my part of the lease of the apartment I shared with Anna and shipped my belonging to Singapore. Anna then went back to china and handed the keys back to the state agent and returning now I either book a hotel or stay at friends. My brothers were concern rightly so, and was asking what’s my purpose in going back I told them I got a wedding to attend to which I had and can’t let my friend down.

So I could either book a hotel or stay at a friend! and decided to stay at a friend after they talk me out of booking a hotel. Fast forward I arrived in Edinburgh without telling him and as soon as I got myself settled I telephoned him to surprise him.

In my horror it wasn’t the reception I had expected! He didn’t even recognise who it was on the end of the line. And when he realise it was? boom I couldn’t get a word in, all I heard was I haven’t been totally honest with him so forth and so forth and he didn’t know where his at with me.

Puzzled I ask “hold on what the hell you’re on about?” in his rant, (now you know why I said that those things will bite me in the bum in a later date) he brought everything up, the IP business thing, the emails I sent him especially the one I sent him describing Singapore, which I explained that since I haven’t live in Singapore not yet anyway, I ask my brother to give me a rundown of the place which he did in Microsoft words which I’d copy and paste and send it to him as an email but unknown to me he did a copy and paste job.

My mistake was not telling you which I should have done that the wording comes from my brother and not mine. As you can well imagine I was livid, I just flown 16 hrs to surprise him and he couldn’t even bothered his arse to ask me how I was? So I said ok cool it fine I’ll go and I’ll get a next flight back to Singapore and hang up the phone.

He spend the whole afternoon and most of the evening trying to talk to me but I was so very angry that I wouldn’t answer his call or answer his text. Eventually I’ve calm down and halfway through the evening he won me over. Again he was very sorry for acting the way he did and reminding me once again of what he'd just given up to be with me and were afraid of losing me.

I tried to reassure him that his not going to lose me and the thought of hurting him kills me as I love him too much for that. Anyway we made up for it, and when we eventually saw each other boy it feels good to hold him again. Things with us were good and it’s all going just fine and talks out our plan for the future. He got a place of his own and schedule to get the keys on the 9th of April and he planed to move in on the same day.

We’ve clashed with one another on a few occasions again on the subject of what his given up. The IP address thing in Singapore for whatever the reason had got into his thinking that I had something to hide. So I point it out to him, that If what I’m telling him about myself wasn’t true it’ll come a day sooner or later when he and I were together somewhere, there’s a high probability that I’ll bump into any friend of mine and if we’re not singing the same hymn sheet that’s when I’ll get caught so it isn’t worth my while to lie and I have nothing to gain for doing so.

I had nothing more to tell him in contrary to what his already know. “I just want you to be honest with me” he said. But it didn’t stop there however. His insecurities turn into some kind of paranoia as he scrutinised everything I say and do. He was trying to look for something that doesn’t exist to substantiate his hanger to prove that I am who I say I am, as in his word “it would kill me if I find out that you weren’t what I hope you’d be”.

Find I say, "what do you want to tell you? Do you want me to tell you something that isn’t true? Where do you want us to go from here? Should we just call it quits coz I might just as well tie a rope in my neck with a bolder attach to it and throw it in the ocean coz I ran out of what else to say to reassure you that I don’t have a secret life somewhere, I am here to stay and you got me for good". We will see he’d say; only time will tell. Mind you, I’ll give him his due it didn’t help much either to alleviate his suspicion as there were incidences that only heighten his insecurities even more. But in my defence hand in my heart, he know I am not good in giving explanations and when I do try to give him an account to whatever, I seem to bulls it up and sometimes he end up correcting me on it and how it looks is not how it is.

Anyways, we made the decision to move on and discuss our future and we both agreed that we want to be together sooner than later. He told me that prior to us hooking up he'd booked a family holiday from the 20th June to Grand Canary for two weeks and his not sure whether he should go with them or not. I told him that whether were together or not he should go as it’ll be a waste of money if he didn’t since he already paid for it. He agree with me on that and yes he wanted to go for the children sake but he feel that it wouldn’t be fair on me and beside; "my wife he say wouldn’t want me there since I told her I am leaving her and and moving out.

And so and not to miss out and to prove that he meant what he say, he surprised me when he emailed me of a booking to Paris for 10 days upon my returned from my aunt 60th. I was elated of course and can’t wait. Fast forward he was schedule to move on the 9th of April 2010 a week before I leave for the Far East to be at my aunts 60th.

As discuss my plan was to tell my family about you and me. And as it’s customary in my culture, it was imperative that I got my brothers blessings for both of us. I know that the circumstances of how you’ve left your family in favour of me aren’t going to go in my favour and in my heart they are not going to agree with my choice and were anxious and scared. Anticipating that I’m going to have a not so welcome reception when I broke the news to my family, before leaving I booked in to stay at a 5 star hotel but never told you, I guess I didn’t want to have an ear full from him and that mistake of not telling im will soon put a strain to our relationship.

I talk to him about my concern, the concern that there’s a high probability that they’re going to disown me and be cut off financially. That didn’t faze him in whatsoever; he proceeded to tell me that we’ll cross that bridge when it comes. All he want is for me to get back in one piece so that he can hold me in his arm and live together happily ever after.

I was afraid and scared but his constant reassurance that everything is going to be alright, had given me hope that yeah I can live with that coz I know that, that’s what I want too regardless. I talk to him about me having my own place when I return but he'd talk me out of it and persuade me that we should live together when I get back. I had a schedule flight on the 26t of April; I couldn’t bear seeing him so I told him I don’t want him there to see me off.

The thought that I am going to be away from him for three weeks was killing me and three weeks seems like forever, but he promise he’d phoned me when he can, and he did just that the way he promise and he call me every night before I go to sleep (except on one or two occasion) which make my day a little easy.

I told him that I am going to ask for my brothers blessing at my aunts birthday which was Saturday 7th of May when the entire guest were away. He advice me or tells me rather what to tell them which is exactly what I did, except that it didn’t go accordingly as I completely bulls it up, and what I fear the most happened. I tried to reason with them and make them understand but it was futile they don’t want to know. The way they look at it, I am a disgrace to the family and me dishonouring the family name.

I have a much closed nit family and I am much closed to them and never had any disagreement with any of them and to lose them over him is absolutely devastating. He phoned the following night and told him what had happen. He was surprised and couldn’t believe it I guess. Again he was there to give a soothing words and he apologise for being the cause of the rift telling me that they’ll come round to it and assured me that I will never regret what I’ve done because he going to make me happy and his going to take care and look after in every possible way he says, and what my brothers can’t give, he'll give.

He was however, afraid that the pressure from my family might will get to me and that I might change my mind and not come back, reminding me what he'd just given up to be with me; a comfortable life with a good job a nice house a wife and kids basically a perfect family portrait. In his words life won’t be worth living if I decided never to come back. I reminded him with the promised I made before hand that with or without the family blessing I’ll be back and we will be together because it’s him that I want. “I won’t be happy” he’d say “until I hold you in my arm once and for all and for good”.

I was schedule to fly back in mid May arriving on the 18th and he keep reiterating that he love me that much it actually hurt which I reply “yes I know coz I feel much the same”. At last the time has come.....after my delayed flight from HK I arrived in Heathrow in the early hour of the morning and find that my schedule flight to Edinburgh was cancelled.

Spend the whole day in London Heathrow waiting for that next crucial flight back to Edinburgh and all the time we’d talk and text till the battery of my phone give up thankfully you got my flight details and the time of arrival. Bruised, tired and scared, scared of the uncertainty, I landed in Edinburgh in the early evening and you were there waiting.

Having had no sleep for over 24hrs, I was somehow disorientated and didn’t know where I was, but boy how good it was to see him. He certainly did everything to make me comfortable and happy. He took a couple of days off work so that he wasthere with me while recovering from the jetlag. He made me feel so good and wanted that all my worry of my family disowning me and the probability that I been cut off financially came to an insignificant, it was bless. I have just a week to recover from the dreaded jetlag before we fly to Paris for our holiday.

Then I showed him pictures taken in Phil, pictures of family and of friends and ah the infamous hotel. The hotel I told a little white lie I never stayed, a little while lie that made me feel less of as a person which had plagued me right to this day. Anyways, after much making up, apologising and promises on my part we put that incident behind us and focus on our plan for the future, but somehow I couldnt regain his trust fully as the hotel business keeps creeping up whenever there’s a little heated talk and I know that I had a lot to prove to earn that trust again.

We were due to fly to Paris on the 3rd of June when I found out that money I normally received every month from my family state had ceased. It was such a blow that I cried myself to sleep thinking what the hell have I done and wonder whether or not my decision to be with you was the right decision but it’s too late for that now there’s no turning back, I have to ride the storm. Up until this moment before there was him, I have had a very good and a privileged life, money wasn’t an object, I can get anything I want, whatever I want, and when I want. I have never been in the situation where I had to rely on someone to take care of me, and now there I was at his mercy, helpless like a baby relying on him for everything to survive.

And so in return I took on the role of a housewife which he commented to me on of how good I was. He told me that I’ll make a good housewife with the way I take care and look after things in the house. I look after his every need as best as I can as it’s all I can give at that moment. In time until I got myself a job and start earning money to help. Do you have any idea how demoralising it was relying on someone for everything? It was so demoralising that I could die! He reassured me not to worry, it could be just a glitch he'd say with the international bank, but in my heart I know that, that’s not the case.

We'll go to Paris he'd tell me, and well have a good time. I tried and tried to contact my family in any way I can, by text, calls and emails but no joy. Email was never answered, calls never answered and text never answered. So I resigned to the fact that I’ve been disowned and been financially cut off in other word I’m fucked, I basically lost everything over him!

But I regret not, as I had it in my mind that it wouldn't matter what we have to struggle through, we are going to make it and I believe in him. The Paris holiday was amazing but ran into a few snags again on trust issue and for a while thinking, I hope he is worth it as I have just lost everything. When we got back from Paris, I scour the net looking for job but nothing suits and even if I found something suitable, it was based in London and nothing in Scotland. Weeks pass, then his wife and children were due to fly on holiday to Grand Canary, the holiday that he should have been.

He went and see his children the day before they left which was the Saturday and when he come back he told me how awful and sad he feel seeing them and not being with them. When I heard him say that, pain sear through my heart, feeling all the emotions and the guilt knowing that if it wasn’t for me, he will have been there with them.

That Monday night I notice something different on how he hasn't been as attentive as he normally are towards me, but brush it off as him being tired with a lack of sleep since landed with his daughter dog (which keep us up at night) to look after while she’s on holiday but I said nothing. Then I told him that I am going to spend the weekend at my friend. Tuesday pass, then Wednesday then Thursday and then Friday.

By now it was 1 month, 1 week and 2 days since I’d come back to be with him. He come home early Friday the 25th from work so he can drop me off as plan at my friend. That’s when he drop the bombshell! He took me aside and tells me that he want to part ways as you want to go back and fix things up and put things with his wife and he is going to do whatever it takes (at my cost) to make his wife take him back.

He don’t know how his going to do it but me being there, as in his word would be just a distraction and so I have to go and find a place to stay preferably before Monday the 28th as he says, he got a week before they return to try and get them back. I was stunned and horrified and ask him why?

What have I done? He told me that I’ve done absolutely nothing! And that he’d received an email from his son tellingly tells him how amazing the place was, and made him realised that he should had been there with them as a family and he cannot live within himself to what he'd done to them. He told me that when he meet me (in not in a conventional way as he put it) he was going through midlife crises; his marriage wasnt working out and he was unhappy.

He got infatuated and besotted with me with the attention I’d given him which made him feel good and wasn’t thinking about the consequences. As you can well imagine I was devastated, completely shocked and lost for words. In my mind I was thinking "hello! You’re a 47 year old man and I’m coming on 30, you had 1 year and 4 month before it to think about it, half of which you’ve fought your way to get to where you want me and now you’re telling me that you never thought about that"? I can’t remember exactly what I said after that, but what he'd done not to his wife and children but TO ME were immeasurable and incomprehensible for a better word.

How can he be so callous? The one thing that he was afraid and scared that I may do to him had finally been realised, the only different was, it’s the other way around. In a quiet voice I said “what am I supposed to do now where am I going to go? I just remember him saying to me, "you’ve got friends aren’t you not that you can stay for a little while"?

That was like a bullet through my head and it might just as well be one. Inconsolable, his words of comfort cuddle and kisses to try and make me understand why he had to do what he had to do must just as well be a bullet to my brain. I don’t know how I find the strength but I held my head up high got my cases and with his help pack the remnant of whatever left of my life into my cases. I couldn’t take my cases right away as I don’t have anywhere to stay but told him that I will collect them as soon as I can.

And even knowing that I have nowhere to stay he informs me that my belonging had to be out of his house preferably before the Monday and he offer to drop it off wherever I am going to be. And since I had physically no money he gave me something to get me through hardly over a couple of days. Hardly a word spoken as he drove me to my friend. The one thing I remember about the 45 minutes drive was him saying to me “I hope you’re not thinking of killing yourself” how appropriate that was.

Got to my friend, told her nothing in fear of being made a fool and embarrassment, I carry on as usual. She let me stay for another couple of days and while there I got in touch with a dear friend of mine who I remember offering me a place to stay if ever I need one and ask her if she can put me up temporarily until I get myself and my life sorted. Embarrassed, I had no choice but to tell her everything and why and luckily she welcomes me with an open arm cried with me and kindly takes me in.

That Saturday night he came and drop my things, he tried to touch me but it was too painful seeing him and push him away. The cases were too heavy and he offer to take it up upstairs and I said no I can manage it myself thanks. He wish me to say that he hope I’ll find happiness and that I’ll find someone that will love me. I was absolutely devastated hearing him saying that. I was completely broken I couldn’t find the voice and the strength to answer him. That was the last time I saw him. He never even call or text me to this day to find out how I was doing.

Looking back now I realised why he never told his wife when ask if there’s another woman involved. I hope that he got reconciled with his wife and children’s and if he have I am happy for him. Things on my end are going.......well let's just say that I am alive. It's been over three weeks since the day we last spoke and even longer since that terrible Friday afternoon when he decided to part ways.

I don't remember when I asked for our relationship to begin, and neither the new life that is growing inside of me, but I remember the feelings he gave me whenever I was around him. I felt as if I was in a place where I would never get hurt and that's exactly what he did. I shared with him my mind (part of it), body, soul and most of all I'd give him my heart and we shared a feeling so deep that simply cannot be put into words.

Having fought himself to get to where he want me, done exactly what he said his going to do and in returned I've sacrificed and gave up everything, choosing him above my family and money and given him my all because I love him and wanted to be with him, only he throw that back in my face, as he'd realised he wants his life back with his wife and children’s whatever the cost (at my cost), never, ever thinking of the sacrificed I made, forsaking everything I have just to be with him.

To have given me so much in the beginning, made so many promises - with the love that which were so consumed with passion, and so full of promise, and to cut me out in such a manner is not only cruel but he have decided my fate by coming into my life and make me believe in him, only to destroyed it in an immeasurable and incomprehensible way.

I remember reading an article on the internet and it was all about lost love I think I read here. "NEVER, EVER, if you are lucky in life enough to meet that perfect match, never let go. Forsakes all others (which I did), your children will still visit you and love you. Your parents won't look down on you. Your true friends will understand. Never let go of that special person if you meet them. As I promise, you will regret it till your dying day.

Don't miss that person for the rest of your life, take a risk!" I never had the chance to fight for that! Except that my world ended the day he said we're through. I don't really understand what happened but I died that day literally. I felt that the world I was living in was a horrible place. The happy go lucky girl he loved to be around was sad and angry (copy and paste job) and so stupidly (looking back now it was stupid) decided to put one’s life in an early grave as I didn’t see that I have anything more to give.

The man in the sky however, thought that there's still yet life left in me, and brought me back to the land of the living, rightly so because unknown to me there’s a new life in the making. Would he have care if he'd known that I try to take oneself out of this world? Would he have care?

Nothing hurts more than losing that someone you love. The one you are so trusting of, that one you have so much respect and admiration for (copy and paste job). I have never realized or thought the pains of love could hurt as much. It's actually worse than the death of a loved one.

And now here I am, my fate has turned out so cruel and what a mess I made of it; as I and my growing bump face the future alone. Yes, I am carrying this man child! I am almost 8 weeks gone. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, I didn’t plan this to happen!

Whether he want to be part of the child's life or not once I let him know, that’s entirely up to him. It’ll come a day however, 10-20 years down the line (if he still alive then) when his child would want to know which he or she have the right and know the truth and I certainly wouldn’t deny that. Whether he want to support me or not and whether he'll tell his family especially his wife and children I want to emphasise that's it’s his decision.

I didn't get pregnant because I wanted something from him coz I DONT! I'll be leaving for Shanghai once my first scan is done and got the all clear from the Dr. My dear friend in Shanghai wants me to have the baby in her and husband care. I can’t imphasise enough how hard and scared I am of this. I know that this is the last thing I want as I've no mean of supporting myself and the baby, But I must be strong. I dont see the light at the of the tunnell yet but I got a feeling that were going to be ok. Despite of everything I miss him, not a second or minute that I don’t think of him. I’ll always love him, and I wish him nothing but the best.

Yours, Gemma Edinburgh Midlothian UK

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